Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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