When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
