You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
