respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
