my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
