So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
