I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
