I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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