oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
