I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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