it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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