please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
