The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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