Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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