Swine flu. Run for my life!
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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