what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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