...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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