I didn't shave. On purpose
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
