He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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