he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
