i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
