maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
