wrigley field is MILF paradise
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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