tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
