i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
