I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
