if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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