ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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