I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
