Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
