On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
