Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
