apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
