I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my being single is dangerous.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
