I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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