im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
