i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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