i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
