oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
