I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
