I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
