The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
