Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
