Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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