My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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