I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
