I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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