i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
