Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
