Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
